The Love I Deserve
Setting My Boundaries
Trigger Warning: Suicide, Suicidal Ideations
"We accept the love we think we deserve." ~ Stephen Chbosky/The Perks of Being a Wallflower
Photo by Kleiton Silva on Unsplash
Yesterday was a trying one for me. No, it wasn’t the usual mother-daughter drama that always ends up with “I love you’s” the end of the day anyhow.
I was feeling tired and overwhelmed, to begin with. But something else bothered me. An exchange from a friend, and the exchanges prior to that. I always feel “that vibes” when it comes to people. I appreciate the thoughtful words and the communication was civil. But what most of my friends don’t know is that I can feel their energy even from thousands of miles away. Call it the gift of discernment. Call it the gift (and curse) of being an empath. But I call it the “crappy vibes”. During that exchange, I totally went into a downward spiral.
That night, I stayed crouched in bed with my husband cuddling me, giving me unconditional love and attention. Later on, a phone call with a close friend who offered me reassurance. He brought the light to the darkness that was consuming me. After which, I was able to settle in bed.
But this thing. This thing I cannot name still bothered me when I woke up this morning. Something that I can’t shake off. That crappy vibes from a friend. Those empty promises. Those false hopes. The warnings people gave which I disregarded. I didn’t even care what they said. She is my friend and that was all that mattered. I’ve experienced the warnings myself a couple of times, but I ignored them anyway. I always chose to turn a blind eye. Until I can’t any longer.
Last night was the last straw. I felt the need to distance myself. I need honest and straightforward people. I am tired of sorting out people in my life. I know they have their own problems as well, but for the sake of my mental health, I cannot let myself be dragged down by insincere people who make broken promises. I’m currently in a place of limited energy and time for such people. At this point in time, I am narrowing my circle even smaller. I know I can lose more friends in the process. But I have a small circle of very close friends who are here for me on a daily basis. Instead of spreading what little energy I do have to people who don’t even recognize the damage they make to my own well-being, I will just focus on those closest to me who give me the love, respect, and dignity that I deserve. I have to focus on loving myself as well.
I know I have to work on myself through this. That is why I am drawing my boundaries.
Image by shutterstock at shutterstock.com
This is where I draw the line. This is me saying enough. This is me choosing ME. If I have to burn bridges, then so be it.
"When there are toxic people in our life who do us tremendous harm without ever caring enough about us to see the damage they have inflicted, nothing binds us to these people. Nothing obligates us to keep these people in our lives, not blood or marriage or any kind of loyalties. When love is absent from a relationship, all bonds have been dissolved and we must act to preserve our life and the health of our heart/spirit." ~ L.M. Browning/The Courage To End Abusive Relationships
I have to choose myself right now. I am reclaiming my power. This time I am certain of my choice. It’s called self-preservation.
The National Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1-800-273-8255. Or Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a Crisis Counselor on Crisis Text Line. PLEASE KEEP ON REACHING OUT.
