In the darkness, I can feel my pounding heartbeat slow down. I can hear my intense thoughts give up. I can sense my tensed body loosen up. The filth dissolves. And for at least a little while, I can perceive a sense of normalcy that I haven’t felt in a very long time.

It's not a matter of finding myself, I think. I'm not a dollar bill found in my pant's pocket during laundry. I really don't think I'm lost. My true Self is right here, somewhere underneath other people's opinions, beliefs, and influences. Sheltered under cultural conditioning but needed to be uncovered. So FINDING MYSELF is merely unearthing-- RE-DISCOVERING and REMEMBERING my true Self.

Docking with that tattered raft is my way of stopping and re-navigating. But yet I have to unearth that true traveler, unlearn quite a few beliefs, and remember who I truly was before the world imposed and grabbed me on both arms and feet, and dragged me underneath the surface where I am in now.

One of the most difficult things is learning that I WAS WORTH THE RECOVERY. I do not have to persist to show my worth.  I do not have to stay.  I could set my boundaries. You cannot heal in the environment where you got sick. I needed to leave. Survival mode is over.  It’s not giving up.  It’s SURRENDERING.  Surrendering to what awaits me, no matter how uncertain it could be. Surrendering to the Divine process. BUT I HAVE TO ALLOW MYSELF TO WALK AWAY. 

You are not broken. Your mind is stubbornly resisting the truth about yourself. You matter. You are enough. You are a Child of God. Accept your own truths.

I Only Need a Little Bit

Of Time to Spend

Of Sacred Space

Of Place to Unwind

Of Moments to Cherish

Of a Push on the back

Of a Tap on the shoulder

Of a Word of Honor.

This time around, I am learning to become the adult that I need as an adult.

I am the author of my story and I alone can make edits and write a happy ending.

If I could heal then, I could heal now. It will take a lot of work on my part—forgiveness, self-care, self-love. Journaling. Keep on writing. Poetry. Keep. On.  Writing. Because in the future, when I look back, I'm pretty certain I will repeat these words, "I survived this. It's safe. You're safe. Let go."

There I find the NOW that I seek. And that gives myself the freedom to JUST BE. There I find the PRESENT that often eludes me in my waking hours.  No past nor regrets to think about.  No future to worry upon. Just the NOW. How I feel NOW.  What my mind is thinking or not thinking.  What my heart is feeling. But most of all, what SPIRIT is telling me...NOW. JUST BE. PRESENT. NOW.

Of Time to Spend…Of Sacred Space…Of Place to Unwind…

Keep faith. Sometimes we have to go through the darkness to find the answers. To rediscover your light. To find your power. To keep on going.

So, welcome to my blanket fort. Just know that I can be overbearing and unlikeable at times. That I can feel anxious and helpless and sad. That I might push people away from my blanket.  That I might pull more than enough of the blanket for myself. But if you stay and know me and my struggles, and are willing to put up with me, then you are welcome to stay.  That's when I know you are in my circle. That you are my tribe. Just bear with me.

My body and I have this love-hate relationship. Currently, I am wanting to scream “Heal already!”  You must have heard people say, “Listen to your body.” Been there, done that, or so I thought.  And yet bouts of illness keep on coming.

A lot of people think of misfits as something bad or negative. In my world, it is something that makes one unique. Fifteen years ago, someone read my aura and asked me if I’ve ever felt like I don’t belong? I did not totally understand what she was asking.

Last night was the last straw. I felt the need to distance myself. I need honest and straightforward people. I am tired of sorting out people in my life.

As much as I wanted that past life back, I know that music shaped my kids into what they are now. And that! That’s what makes life worthwhile. That’s what breathes life to my tired body, mind, and soul…

…and so I heal.

When you’re drowning in water, first you try to struggle. Then you get tired of the struggle and your body just let go. You let it sink. Then my mind quieted down with just one sentence. “The world will keep on going without me.”