I stared at the ember

Till sleep came to seize me

The ember still glowing

Stubbornly flickering

We bade at each other, reassuring—

“Have faith in me.“

Standing where the light took me. Standing in my strength. Standing in my truth and power. I am slowly taking back control of my life. Where did all this beauty come from? A different path, a new journey awaits. Albeit all the unknowns, there is the certainty of a promising future.

As I learn to find solace in that rock bottom, I am finding the beauty—how my heart feels, how my mind overthinks, how my Soul refuses to be tempered. In the spirit of love and forgiveness, I am also learning to reclaim my power back. Just looking at the beauty of that deep valley in my mind, I know this place serves a purpose.

Cast your cares, you tender being

Cast your heart and hear it beating

Cast your mind and know you’re willing

Cast your soul and find yourself conquering

SPIRIT AWARD- teamwork. My mind, body, and soul have to be aligned with my real life’s purpose. Team-spirit- the energy I have to put out into the world to make my life’s work come to full fruition. That’s the work I needed to do. Give it a try! This time, you’ll make it.

Our family is far from perfect.  I am not a perfect wife nor a perfect mom. I have a lot of shortcomings and weaknesses. Although I always brag about my kids, they also have their faults and foibles.  But if there is one thing that we all have, it’s FAMILY—our home, our touch base, our cornerstone, our constant. We draw from each other’s strengths. We live from each other’s love. We grow from each other’s spirit.

Being Present.

Letting the Light In.

Knowing that my "YOU' is bigger than my doubts and fears.

BIG LESSONS I have yet to master...

Show me how to love myself in spite of.  Show me tricks without judgment on how to let go. Because now, I can't do anything else but float...and trust-- holding on to the belief that this too shall pass and the knowledge that I am not floating alone in this water called LIFE. I know that I am guided by divine purpose, and as I allow myself to trust in that, I can remain weightless, until it's time to let go of the things that are weighing me down.

When you take the risk to get to that mountaintop, you get to see the whole picture. Your vision is clearer. You get to see the whole dance. You get to see humanity, yours, and theirs. You get to see that no matter how small the steps you took, and how many times you stumbled and get hurt and bruised, you are still standing. You are stronger than ever. You are bolder than ever. Your dreams are clearer than ever.

Dare to take that first step. You will always be Divinely guided and protected.

Focus on your LOVE. That one unique Love that only you can give. To the ones most important to you. That love is your sliver of light. That love will be the outgrowth, an offshoot that you can cling on to haul yourself up.

I needed to stay here for a while. It is where I can step back and allow the thoughts to rush in. I just let them pass by. The pain feels comfortable or maybe I was so numb that I don’t even feel the pain. Certain realizations that should have left my heart broken, but it didn’t. My heart was sheltered. By walls I put up. Barriers. When did I learn to do that? How did I learn to do that? 

They are old souls, I'm sure of that— teaching me how to navigate through life's circumstances and complexities. Everyday I’m proud of their kindness, their efforts, their hearts—and for that, I AM TRULY BLESSED.

When it comes to gratitude for all the blessings I have and refocusing back to my priorities, sometimes I lack the words to express how blessed and thankful I am.

So…here are my “what matter most” in words and images…

I look forward to the future. I look forward to the day where happiness no longer hides behind the mask of pain. I look forward to the day where mental health isn't stigmatized, but instead, openly talked about. I look forward to the day where people can be proud of themselves for living. I look forward to the day where everyone loves themselves regardless of flaws or imperfections. I hope I get to live long enough to find a world that looks like this. But for now, I’m simply happy to be alive. 

Sometimes you connect with a beautiful soul that in them you find Hope— that glimmer of light in a world where you’re grappling on things that no longer serve you. A solid presence that brings you to your knees and say, “Thank you!” Thank you for showing up in my life.

In the darkness, I can feel my pounding heartbeat slow down. I can hear my intense thoughts give up. I can sense my tensed body loosen up. The filth dissolves. And for at least a little while, I can perceive a sense of normalcy that I haven’t felt in a very long time.

It's not a matter of finding myself, I think. I'm not a dollar bill found in my pant's pocket during laundry. I really don't think I'm lost. My true Self is right here, somewhere underneath other people's opinions, beliefs, and influences. Sheltered under cultural conditioning but needed to be uncovered. So FINDING MYSELF is merely unearthing-- RE-DISCOVERING and REMEMBERING my true Self.

Docking with that tattered raft is my way of stopping and re-navigating. But yet I have to unearth that true traveler, unlearn quite a few beliefs, and remember who I truly was before the world imposed and grabbed me on both arms and feet, and dragged me underneath the surface where I am in now.

One of the most difficult things is learning that I WAS WORTH THE RECOVERY. I do not have to persist to show my worth.  I do not have to stay.  I could set my boundaries. You cannot heal in the environment where you got sick. I needed to leave. Survival mode is over.  It’s not giving up.  It’s SURRENDERING.  Surrendering to what awaits me, no matter how uncertain it could be. Surrendering to the Divine process. BUT I HAVE TO ALLOW MYSELF TO WALK AWAY. 

You are not broken. Your mind is stubbornly resisting the truth about yourself. You matter. You are enough. You are a Child of God. Accept your own truths.

This time around, I am learning to become the adult that I need as an adult.

I am the author of my story and I alone can make edits and write a happy ending.