Sometimes we find our greatest joy in a moment of full surrender. Sometimes we find our greatest strength when we feel our weakest. Sometimes we find our greatest love for ourselves when we feel most broken.

Our family is far from perfect.  I am not a perfect wife nor a perfect mom. I have a lot of shortcomings and weaknesses. Although I always brag about my kids, they also have their faults and foibles.  But if there is one thing that we all have, it’s FAMILY—our home, our touch base, our cornerstone, our constant. We draw from each other’s strengths. We live from each other’s love. We grow from each other’s spirit.

And so you show up into the world with your head held high and say: “You’ve seen my descent. Now watch my rising” (Rumi). 

Being Present.

Letting the Light In.

Knowing that my "YOU' is bigger than my doubts and fears.

BIG LESSONS I have yet to master...

As you read through these lines, know that you are not alone. Know that you are enough– more than enough; even if the only thing that you did today was to pray and breathe. That prayer that you just did? That breathing exercise and meditation that you just finished? Those send energy and vibes into this world depleted of feelings of worthiness.

In the darkness, I can feel my pounding heartbeat slow down. I can hear my intense thoughts give up. I can sense my tensed body loosen up. The filth dissolves. And for at least a little while, I can perceive a sense of normalcy that I haven’t felt in a very long time.

It’s exhausting. It’s tiring. It’s mind-numbing. I need to stay in the moment. I have to find the good. In the present. I need to live a life where I can be here and now. Not blaming the past. Not feeling anxious about what the future holds. Here and now…

It's not a matter of finding myself, I think. I'm not a dollar bill found in my pant's pocket during laundry. I really don't think I'm lost. My true Self is right here, somewhere underneath other people's opinions, beliefs, and influences. Sheltered under cultural conditioning but needed to be uncovered. So FINDING MYSELF is merely unearthing-- RE-DISCOVERING and REMEMBERING my true Self.

Docking with that tattered raft is my way of stopping and re-navigating. But yet I have to unearth that true traveler, unlearn quite a few beliefs, and remember who I truly was before the world imposed and grabbed me on both arms and feet, and dragged me underneath the surface where I am in now.

One of the most difficult things is learning that I WAS WORTH THE RECOVERY. I do not have to persist to show my worth.  I do not have to stay.  I could set my boundaries. You cannot heal in the environment where you got sick. I needed to leave. Survival mode is over.  It’s not giving up.  It’s SURRENDERING.  Surrendering to what awaits me, no matter how uncertain it could be. Surrendering to the Divine process. BUT I HAVE TO ALLOW MYSELF TO WALK AWAY. 

You are not broken. Your mind is stubbornly resisting the truth about yourself. You matter. You are enough. You are a Child of God. Accept your own truths.

This time around, I am learning to become the adult that I need as an adult.

I am the author of my story and I alone can make edits and write a happy ending.

Sometimes, there's only so much you can handle that you begin drawing lines from other people, close friends included. Saying "NO" and "I have given enough" is sometimes imperative in keeping yourself sane. I believe that's what a healthy boundary is. You protect yourself and your loved ones from further damage.

If I could heal then, I could heal now. It will take a lot of work on my part—forgiveness, self-care, self-love. Journaling. Keep on writing. Poetry. Keep. On.  Writing. Because in the future, when I look back, I'm pretty certain I will repeat these words, "I survived this. It's safe. You're safe. Let go."

Keep faith. Sometimes we have to go through the darkness to find the answers. To rediscover your light. To find your power. To keep on going.

I now understand how people need genuine connection. It does not involve numbers and equations of what I'm worth or what you're worth.  But I can sit by you.  My soul craves for real connections with likeminded people. How are you feeling? When was the last time you cried? Tell me what you are grateful for. Why do you feel vulnerable? What beauty do you see? What sparks the light within you?

A lot of people think of misfits as something bad or negative. In my world, it is something that makes one unique. Fifteen years ago, someone read my aura and asked me if I’ve ever felt like I don’t belong? I did not totally understand what she was asking.

Last night was the last straw. I felt the need to distance myself. I need honest and straightforward people. I am tired of sorting out people in my life.

As much as I wanted that past life back, I know that music shaped my kids into what they are now. And that! That’s what makes life worthwhile. That’s what breathes life to my tired body, mind, and soul…

…and so I heal.

No need to rush for things that are bound to happen.  It will happen in the right place, at the right time, and with the right intentions….

For now, I just need to focus on my new path with bigger visions and much bigger intentions…

This is my path now.  The one I need to give my time and focus on. With ease and very little pressure.

When you’re drowning in water, first you try to struggle. Then you get tired of the struggle and your body just let go. You let it sink. Then my mind quieted down with just one sentence. “The world will keep on going without me.”