Show me how to love myself in spite of.  Show me tricks without judgment on how to let go. Because now, I can't do anything else but float...and trust-- holding on to the belief that this too shall pass and the knowledge that I am not floating alone in this water called LIFE. I know that I am guided by divine purpose, and as I allow myself to trust in that, I can remain weightless, until it's time to let go of the things that are weighing me down.

In the darkness, I can feel my pounding heartbeat slow down. I can hear my intense thoughts give up. I can sense my tensed body loosen up. The filth dissolves. And for at least a little while, I can perceive a sense of normalcy that I haven’t felt in a very long time.

It's not a matter of finding myself, I think. I'm not a dollar bill found in my pant's pocket during laundry. I really don't think I'm lost. My true Self is right here, somewhere underneath other people's opinions, beliefs, and influences. Sheltered under cultural conditioning but needed to be uncovered. So FINDING MYSELF is merely unearthing-- RE-DISCOVERING and REMEMBERING my true Self.

Docking with that tattered raft is my way of stopping and re-navigating. But yet I have to unearth that true traveler, unlearn quite a few beliefs, and remember who I truly was before the world imposed and grabbed me on both arms and feet, and dragged me underneath the surface where I am in now.

One of the most difficult things is learning that I WAS WORTH THE RECOVERY. I do not have to persist to show my worth.  I do not have to stay.  I could set my boundaries. You cannot heal in the environment where you got sick. I needed to leave. Survival mode is over.  It’s not giving up.  It’s SURRENDERING.  Surrendering to what awaits me, no matter how uncertain it could be. Surrendering to the Divine process. BUT I HAVE TO ALLOW MYSELF TO WALK AWAY. 

You are not broken. Your mind is stubbornly resisting the truth about yourself. You matter. You are enough. You are a Child of God. Accept your own truths.

I Only Need a Little Bit

Of Time to Spend

Of Sacred Space

Of Place to Unwind

Of Moments to Cherish

Of a Push on the back

Of a Tap on the shoulder

Of a Word of Honor.

Last night was the last straw. I felt the need to distance myself. I need honest and straightforward people. I am tired of sorting out people in my life.