Head Up…Wings Out
Image by A. M. Evans ©
A couple of nights ago as I was looking for a specific Gwers (Welsh for lessons, particularly in Druidry), I came across an old friend…a journal from 3 years ago.
Hmm, I can still smell the leather. With great excitement, I unlocked the metal hooks and opened to this page.
Image by A. M. Evans ©
It was dated 2016. Those liquid smears– not sure if it was water, or tears, or snot, or wine. Then the word…SIMPLIFY…my word for that year.
As I browse through the journal entries, what I’ve written was not about Simplifying. It’s more about SURVIVING. How I made it through. The ignored ideas, the isolation, the unkind words, the shaming– I could go on and on. Old wounds and emotions, but in the end, I survived it. I survived them. I am still…surviving them. My question was, “Why did I allow that to happen?”. “Why didn’t I just leave?”. I went into an oppressor-victim mode. As I reflected upon it, I saw not a victim who cowers in a slight of words, but a person who perseveres to show her self-worth. Most of the “oppressors” are gone now, including the worst bully of them all (I don’t want to use the word “bully” because it sounds accusatory, but that was what I feel the and that is what I still feel every now and then). Some of them has changed their perception of me in the end. I interact with them trying not to think of prior experiences. But the biggest bully– that took long to forgive. I still remember, but the pain gets lesser everytime. I looked at their own angle– their own perceptions. But all I could see is this tiny thing, so fragile, that maybe, just maybe, would leave if torments keep on pouring. But she survived…and still is.
Some of us have been through emotional trauma so tormenting and terrifying that our human mind is not built to handle but we fight and persevere anyway. Every Single. Bloody. Day. If that’s not courage, I don’t know what is.
I spent more than 4 years– an insane amount of time wondering if I am doing it right. At some point, I just remind myself every single day that I am doing my best. That I am enough.
But that is not enough…
Fast forward 4 years. Some of them are still in my life. This past few weeks have made me realize how I continually ignored the Universe (or God or Divine Source, or Hey–whatever you want to label it, him, her, them, us). The question is not how, but why? Why am I still here? Why do I keep on allowing these toxic bouts? Everyone, even my physicians, has been telling me: As long as I stay in this toxic environment, you will not heal. I persevered anyway. Until I can’t anymore. Until the Universe threw me a sucker punch. A SUCKER PUNCH that literally gave me a swollen eye. Believe me, being forced to stay in bed to physically heal also allows my mind and emotions to heal.
I am currently working on FORGIVENESS– for myself mostly…for not knowing better at that time; for giving away my power; for letting myself so easily defined; for the survival patterns and traits I picked up while enduring the trauma; for being who I needed to be; and for staying in the same toxic environment for more than 4 years.
One of the most difficult things is learning that I WAS WORTH THE RECOVERY. I do not have to persist to show my worth. I do not have to stay. I could set my boundaries. You cannot heal in the environment where you got sick. I needed to leave. Survival mode is over. It’s not giving up. It’s SURRENDERING. Surrendering to what awaits me, no matter how uncertain it could be. Surrendering to the Divine process. BUT I HAVE TO ALLOW MYSELF TO WALK AWAY.
“When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person that walked in. That’s what the storm is all about.” ~ Haruku Murakami
I am grateful for all of it– the highs, the lows, the setbacks, the comebacks, the throwbacks…the lessons and the blessings that come with it…but most especially the LOVE that came with forgiveness– not just to others but for myself. I AM LEARNING TO SET BOUNDARIES. I AM LEARNING TO BE PATIENT, with myself and with the process. I AM LEARNING TO LOVE MYSELF–fiercely, loyally, unapologetically.
“HOPE is not about proving anything. It’s about choosing to believe this one thing, that LOVE is bigger than any grim bleak shit anyone can throw at us.” ~ Anne Lamott
And so as I go back to that place in a few days, I’ll have my HEAD UP AND WINGS OUT. I will show up. I will be seen as who I really am. I will answer the call to courage and step off the blocks. Because I’M WORTH IT. Because I CHOOSE TO LOVE MYSELF enough to walk away.
Love and blessings, my friends. We are all worth both.
Image by A. M. Evans ©
***Originally published 08/13/2019
