The Futility of Putting My Life On Hold
My Creativity Stunted
Image by andrey_l via Shutterstock
Third week into March, 2020— most of the nation was on lockdown and stay-at-home mandate. Oh heck, the whole world was on a standstill.
I remember I was due another blog that week. BUT (and there goes the but) I had to ensure we have everything ready. We were on “survival mode”. We were unsure. I was worried for my family at home and one young adult son who lives hundreds of miles away. We needed a plan to make sure we are safe. Locked away from the world around us. So many things in my mind. I just could not put my heart and soul into pen and paper.
May, 2020- We started phase one of reopening. I was against it. Fought against it. It was too soon, I thought. We were on a standstill. What will happen next? IF only they can wait a little while longer to let the land heal. Still my mind was about to blow, unable to write something intelligible.
June, 2020- the rallies began. I was cheering on behind my friends who were out on the streets. If not for my weakened immune system, I would have been on the streets with them. They were not being treated so kindly. I thought of this unkind world battering the hopeless. I went into downward spiral. I will write WHEN this comes to pass.
Third week of June- I had a major breakthrough, a soft but distinct voice. “You are not broken .” And so I wrote about it. I thought this would give me the jump start.
Last week of June- we were spiking. The nation was spiking. Our state was spiking so high. I had to put my pen down. Back to checking on family safety precaution protocols. Writing will have to wait. I’ll do it WHEN this is over. There’s more pressing things that needed taken care of.
July—we’re spiking way too high, many are thinking we’re on our way to being the global epicenter. Back to survival mode. Writing will have to wait. I will do it WHEN we plateau or when our numbers go down.
Then there was the family crisis of a possibility of getting infected. Broken commitments. Broken hopes. Lack of trust. One mistake that reflected a habit that might risk our family’s health. I was furious. I was livid. I was seething. Mama bear instinct kicked in to protect her cubs.
We’re still working through it. We’re trying to figure things out. Everyone in the household are now in isolation. Quarantined in our own rooms. Social distancing from each other in our own home. Because of mistakes. Because of broken commitments.
The days and the nights are pretty lonely. I miss watching the news together and discussing about it. I miss the sound of my daughter’s intelligent mind trying to process current events out with her parents. Outdoing each other on Jeopardy. Trying to solve “who did it?” while watching investigative shows. Laughing together on some game show we never thought we’d ever watch in our lifetime. All of that came to an end this week. It only took one simple mistake and our world came crumbling down.
Currently, I have a daughter who’s emotionally labile, with occasional temper tantrums because of the circumstances surrounding “the isolation “. A husband who’s apologetically doing his best. And me, policing every single movement in the house, my head spinning. In anger, I would not let it go. Calling out the person at fault. Making sure he gets the message loud and clear. Doing my best to protect myself and my family.
Albeit given the time to write, my creativity was stunted. I can’t write. I can’t even do any form of artwork. My life is on hold until...until when? After 21 days of quarantine? WHEN test results are out? WHEN this thing is over? BUT WHAT IF...
Yes, I am making excuses. These are my whens, ifs, and buts— the ones my body can’t control and my mind keeps on processing over and over again.
It’s exhausting. It’s tiring. It’s mind-numbing. I need to stay in the moment. I have to find the good. In the present. I need to live a life where I can be here and now. Not blaming the past. Not feeling anxious about what the future holds. Stay in the moment. Here and now…
Here and now. I have a husband who is doing his best to keep the house in order. I have a daughter who, in spite of occasional temper tantrums (as is expected in mother-daughter dynamics), is doing her best to keep sane and protected from all the back-and-forths that occurred this week. And then there’s me...
Still holding my breath until the results come back. Wanting to drive up in the middle of the mountains to escape all these madness. Still blaming the past. Still in fear of the future. My mind reeling.
Stop. Relax. Breathe. Repeat. Write. It. Down.
Image by Ademortuus via Shutterstock
I’m doing my best. I’m trying every angles. I’m starting with this. My next blog. Scrambled words. I won’t even bother proofreading. Just my thoughts for the moment...in the moment...the here and now.
I’m trying...
“Life is available only in the present. That is why we should walk in such a way that every step can bring us to the here and the now.” ~ Thich Nhat Hanh, True Love: A Practice for Awakening the Heart
