Wholehearted Parenting
TRIGGER WARNING: Suicide, Suicidal ideation, Anxiety, Depression, Mental Illness
Our young adults were back to the nest for a long Easter weekend. As my daughter entered her room, we heard a yelp, followed by a “What the heck?!”
There she was, staring at a poster frame on her wall. It was Brené Brown’s Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto. Dad, while rearranging everything as we renovate to sell the house, put up the poster in my daughter’s bedroom wall.
It’s been a long while since I have read the Manifesto. I just stood there, trying not to show my tears while I internalize every single word of it. This! This is what family is for! This is what I wanted this weekend!
“Above all else, I want you to know that you are loved and lovable.”
THAT is the foundation of our family. I am grateful to have birthed two old souls who know this. They embody love as shown by how they interact with their friends and with each other. I barely see them fight. I see how much they love their partners and/or best friends. I can never take full credit for that, because they have seen me at my worst. How I treated myself—especially during moments of self-harm. I am blessed to have children who have learned to love themselves despite the unlovable actions that I wrought myself that they saw growing up.
“I want you to engage with the world from a place of worthiness.”
They grew up learning their worth. They would not bargain for anything else. I see that most especially with my daughter who would put every ounce of her being every time she aspires for something. I see the passion and the drive as they live their free lives outside of the nest. Their own home and lifestyle show aspects of themselves. Not influenced by society nor their friend’s view, but their own true Self. They stand their ground even when they know they might end up standing alone. They dance to the beat of their own drums.
Image by A.M. Evans ©
“We will practice courage in our family by showing up, letting ourselves be seen, and honoring vulnerability.”
This starts with ME. My children had the unfortunate opportunity to see me at my lowest point. My poor kids have mastered how and when to hide the knives and the pills away. I recounted the moments when they tried to wrestle the knives and the pills from my hands. When they see mom unable to function, hidden under the blankets all day, or weekend, or week—for weeks, for months in a row. My courageous kids, acting as “the parent” on my low points.
Image by A.M. Evans ©
“We will teach you compassion by practicing compassion with ourselves first; then with each other.”
Self-love is what I learn from my kids as well. How easily can they brush off things that would have easily hurt me. We also check everyone’s mental health whenever we have family discussions, in person, via group message, or via FaceTime.
“You will learn accountability and respect by watching me make mistakes and make amends, and by watching how I ask for what I need and talk about how I feel.”
My kids have witnessed my success. They have also witnessed my failures and how I climbed and swam my way out of ‘rock bottom”. From a young age, they have learned how to discuss everything that is going on in their heads, either with me, with their dad, or with each other. I talk to them about my struggles, and we are all aware of what triggers each other most.
“When uncertainty and scarcity visit, you will be able to draw from the spirit that is a part of our everyday life.”
I take pride in how our family communicates with each other when we needed “Family” to be there in times when we're apart, drawing what everyone has learned from our family’s interaction.
“Together we will cry and face fear and grief. I will want to take away your pain, but instead, I will sit with you and teach you how to feel it.”
We cried together in moments of loss—grandpa, grandma, lolo (Grandfather in Filipino), and when we lost our first family dog, Biscuit. Even when we were apart, we kept in touch and checked on each other when moments of grief and loss arise—and that included breakups.
“No matter what, you will always belong here.”
That is what my children brought with them when they flew out of the nest to college. There will always be a home, a touch base that they can draw strength from. There will always be a “home” to head back to where they can breathe better and enough to fall into in case of heartaches, struggles, and difficulties.
Image by A.M. Evans ©
“I will not teach or love or show you anything perfectly, but I will let you see me, and I will always hold sacred the gift of seeing you. Truly, deeply, seeing you.”
This is a difficult one for this perfectionist, tight-gripped, controlling mom. But through my kids seeing me in my struggles, I have given myself the grace to SEE ME. And as I learn to see myself, I learn to see them in their struggles as well.
“…the greatest gift that I can give to you is to live and love with my whole heart and to dare greatly.”
We are a family of adventurers and risk-takers. We learn from each other’s mistakes and use them as our own “steps” to move up and rise up and help each other to do so. I have seen my kids take risks and blaze their trail.
Image by A.M. Evans ©
Our family is far from perfect. I am not a perfect wife nor a perfect mom. I have a lot of shortcomings and weaknesses. Although I always brag about my kids, they also have their faults and foibles. But if there is one thing that we all have, it’s FAMILY—our home, our touch base, our cornerstone, our constant. We draw from each other’s strengths. We live from each other’s love. We grow from each other’s spirit.
Image by A.M. Evans ©
The Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto
Above all else, I want you to know that you are loved and lovable. You will learn this from my words and actions--the lessons on love are in how I treat you and how I treat myself.
I want you to engage with the world from a place of worthiness. You will learn that you are worthy of love, belonging, and joy every time you see me practice self-compassion and embrace my own imperfections.
We will practice courage in our family by showing up, letting ourselves be seen, and honoring vulnerability. We will share our stories of struggle and strength. There will always be room in our home for both.
We will teach you compassion by practicing compassion with ourselves first; then with each other. We will set and respect boundaries; we will honor hard work, hope, and perseverance. Rest and play will be family values, as well as family practices.
You will learn accountability and respect by watching me make mistakes and make amends, and by watching how I ask for what I need and talk about how I feel.
I want you to know joy, so together we will practice gratitude.
I want you to feel joy, so together we will learn how to be vulnerable.
When uncertainty and scarcity visit, you will be able to draw from the spirit that is a part of our everyday life.
Together we will cry and face fear and grief. I will want to take away your pain, but instead, I will sit with you and teach you how to feel it.
We will laugh and sing and dance and create. We will always have permission to be ourselves with each other. No matter what, you will always belong here.
As you begin your Wholehearted journey, the greatest gift that I can give to you is to live and love with my whole heart and to dare greatly.
I will not teach or love or show you anything perfectly, but I will let you see me, and I will always hold sacred the gift of seeing you. Truly, deeply, seeing you.
To download Brené Brown’s “The Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto, please click HERE
***The National Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1-800-273-8255.
Or Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a Crisis Counselor on Crisis Text Line.
