Solace from the Darkness
Stepping Back to Find Myself
***TRIGGER WARNING: Mental health; Mental illness; Depression, Anxiety; Suicide; Suicidal ideation
“It is said that the darkest hour of the night comes just before the dawn.” ~ Thomas Fuller
It was a quick downward spiral. Everything just came barreling down on me. I can’t find my way out. I feel disconnected. I feel detached. I feel cold. Then a thought: “You can end this now”. It was just like an arrow that whizzed through. Then I’m back to my darkness.
Image by Cherry Laithang via Unsplash
Then a hand reached out. Tried to get me out of this cold, damp place. I did try. I did as I was told. But I was back in the bleak cold night in a blink of an eye.
I needed to stay here for a while. It is where I can step back and allow the thoughts to rush in. I just let them pass by. The pain feels comfortable or maybe I was so numb that I don’t even feel the pain. Certain realizations that should have left my heart broken, but it didn’t. My heart was sheltered. By walls I put up. Barriers. When did I learn to do that? How did I learn to do that?
The dampness in the air. The coldness around me. They all feel both strange and familiar. Yet I let it surround me.
Then the same hand stretched out to reach me again. “Can I stay here in the darkness for a while?”
In the darkness, I find solace. In the darkness, I don’t have to feel. In the darkness, I can hide my wounds. Battle wounds. Scarred body. Battered and bruised. In the darkness, I don’t have to explain nor rationalize my thoughts. I don’t have to do anything. Just stay there. Numb. Not feeling anything. With walls around me. Protecting me. Numbingly painful but comfortable.
Image by Sharon McCutcheon via Unsplash
Numbing pain. Because of the walls I built. Let me stay here. I need to stay with the grief that I am supposed to be feeling. I need the damp, cold air touching my battle wounds. It’s comforting. I find solace. Please, let me stay here. Just for a while.
“When you are ready, know that the light is within you and is surrounding you”, the voice said.
Yes, I know. I know all of this. But let me stay here awhile. I will get out. I promise. I just need to be by myself for now. With eyes, closed, I let all the thoughts and emotions pass through.
Let them. It’s okay. Embraced in darkness, I was protected. Breathing in, I felt the release of everything I was carrying.
Let me process. Let me breathe, With each breath, I release what no longer serves me. With each breath, I draw in the courage to move through. With each breath, I find the strength to feel.
To feel. To un-numb. To grieve. To come to terms. To come alive. To live...to live.
When I’m ready, I will let the light shine through. But not yet. Not now. Please be patient. I will come out with the light. Let me find my solace here. At least for now. Let me through this. Let me get through this. On my own .terms In my own time.
“For the wretched of the earth, there is a flame that never dies. Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.” ~Victor Hugo/Les Miserables
Image by Irina Iriser via Unsplash
***The National Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1-800-273-8255.
Or Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a Crisis Counselor on Crisis Text Line.
