One of the most difficult things is learning that I WAS WORTH THE RECOVERY. I do not have to persist to show my worth.  I do not have to stay.  I could set my boundaries. You cannot heal in the environment where you got sick. I needed to leave. Survival mode is over.  It’s not giving up.  It’s SURRENDERING.  Surrendering to what awaits me, no matter how uncertain it could be. Surrendering to the Divine process. BUT I HAVE TO ALLOW MYSELF TO WALK AWAY. 

You are not broken. Your mind is stubbornly resisting the truth about yourself. You matter. You are enough. You are a Child of God. Accept your own truths.

I Only Need a Little Bit

Of Time to Spend

Of Sacred Space

Of Place to Unwind

Of Moments to Cherish

Of a Push on the back

Of a Tap on the shoulder

Of a Word of Honor.

We all possess creativity.  I believe it’s just a matter of how, when, and why you use it. Sometimes it is difficult to show what we can really do because of fear.  Fear of criticism. Fear of failure. Fear of success.  Fear of not making enough money. Fear of losing money.  Fear of “not having a real job”.

This day full of emotions just made my resolve to Dream Big with a spirit that cannot be subdued nor overcome and allowed me the determination and the confidence to handle the many challenges and obstacles in life.

Sometimes, what you see in the mirror is not exactly a reflection of what you really are. Beauty can mean different things to different people.  To a certain degree, beauty is subjective, and it’s essential that we don’t take someone else’s opinion at face value. We need to look closer to discover what we find as honestly beautiful, whether that be in our personality, our character, our intentions, and yes, on how we show up to and for others.

This time around, I am learning to become the adult that I need as an adult.

I am the author of my story and I alone can make edits and write a happy ending.

Sometimes, there's only so much you can handle that you begin drawing lines from other people, close friends included. Saying "NO" and "I have given enough" is sometimes imperative in keeping yourself sane. I believe that's what a healthy boundary is. You protect yourself and your loved ones from further damage.

If I could heal then, I could heal now. It will take a lot of work on my part—forgiveness, self-care, self-love. Journaling. Keep on writing. Poetry. Keep. On.  Writing. Because in the future, when I look back, I'm pretty certain I will repeat these words, "I survived this. It's safe. You're safe. Let go."

There I find the NOW that I seek. And that gives myself the freedom to JUST BE. There I find the PRESENT that often eludes me in my waking hours.  No past nor regrets to think about.  No future to worry upon. Just the NOW. How I feel NOW.  What my mind is thinking or not thinking.  What my heart is feeling. But most of all, what SPIRIT is telling me...NOW. JUST BE. PRESENT. NOW.

Not too long ago, a friend posted on social media that she dreamt of my daughter Gaby. She was beaming, smiling sweetly at her. She posted this song to dedicate to Gaby.

Of Time to Spend…Of Sacred Space…Of Place to Unwind…

Keep faith. Sometimes we have to go through the darkness to find the answers. To rediscover your light. To find your power. To keep on going.

So, welcome to my blanket fort. Just know that I can be overbearing and unlikeable at times. That I can feel anxious and helpless and sad. That I might push people away from my blanket.  That I might pull more than enough of the blanket for myself. But if you stay and know me and my struggles, and are willing to put up with me, then you are welcome to stay.  That's when I know you are in my circle. That you are my tribe. Just bear with me.

I now understand how people need genuine connection. It does not involve numbers and equations of what I'm worth or what you're worth.  But I can sit by you.  My soul craves for real connections with likeminded people. How are you feeling? When was the last time you cried? Tell me what you are grateful for. Why do you feel vulnerable? What beauty do you see? What sparks the light within you?

My body and I have this love-hate relationship. Currently, I am wanting to scream “Heal already!”  You must have heard people say, “Listen to your body.” Been there, done that, or so I thought.  And yet bouts of illness keep on coming.

A lot of people think of misfits as something bad or negative. In my world, it is something that makes one unique. Fifteen years ago, someone read my aura and asked me if I’ve ever felt like I don’t belong? I did not totally understand what she was asking.

Last night was the last straw. I felt the need to distance myself. I need honest and straightforward people. I am tired of sorting out people in my life.

As much as I wanted that past life back, I know that music shaped my kids into what they are now. And that! That’s what makes life worthwhile. That’s what breathes life to my tired body, mind, and soul…

…and so I heal.

My favorite time of the year was summertime when we go to the rural province to her old two-story wooden home. How I loved that home! Surrounded by big trees and bamboos, it reminds me of otherworldly-creature stories and legends she used to tell. The stairs and the balcony where we would lay down and watch the tree branches and leaves sway, singing with my aunt, or listening to my grandma tell more stories.