I have nothing to give. I have no more fight left in me. Even if I open my eyes, I could not see what is ahead of me. Where do I go from here? Is it worth standing back up and picking up the broken pieces of me?

Then I took a deep breath. And then another. And yet another. I’m still alive. What do I do next?

One word. LIVE.

I write to make sense of emotions, put a name to the thought, answers to the questions. I write when I’m tired of reality, or when I want to retreat from having to carry my whole life, and escape to the tenderness of snow falling on a wintry night, or the excitement of watching a swarm of fireflies dancing on a warm summer dusk.. and to just BE against a vanilla sky. Clean, simple, calm.

My hope is that you leave some space in your heart for the unimaginable because you are totally worth it. No matter how stuck or undeserving you feel, you are worthy of anything you think is unimaginable. Your heart knows. Your Spirit will guide you. You are a walking, breathing, unimagined dream that has yet to be unleashed. Your life, as it unfolds is a miracle...a sweet reminder of all the beautiful things that you can offer into this world.

I needed to stay here for a while. It is where I can step back and allow the thoughts to rush in. I just let them pass by. The pain feels comfortable or maybe I was so numb that I don’t even feel the pain. Certain realizations that should have left my heart broken, but it didn’t. My heart was sheltered. By walls I put up. Barriers. When did I learn to do that? How did I learn to do that? 

They are old souls, I'm sure of that— teaching me how to navigate through life's circumstances and complexities. Everyday I’m proud of their kindness, their efforts, their hearts—and for that, I AM TRULY BLESSED.

“I’ll stop crying after a while

Be strong and try to smile and laugh the way you want me to.

While I can’t bring myself to lie

I know I’ll never say goodbye

My shoes will walk an endless mile

But I’ll be home with you after a while

I’ll see you again after a while.”

When it comes to gratitude for all the blessings I have and refocusing back to my priorities, sometimes I lack the words to express how blessed and thankful I am.

So…here are my “what matter most” in words and images…

I look forward to the future. I look forward to the day where happiness no longer hides behind the mask of pain. I look forward to the day where mental health isn't stigmatized, but instead, openly talked about. I look forward to the day where people can be proud of themselves for living. I look forward to the day where everyone loves themselves regardless of flaws or imperfections. I hope I get to live long enough to find a world that looks like this. But for now, I’m simply happy to be alive. 

Sometimes you connect with a beautiful soul that in them you find Hope— that glimmer of light in a world where you’re grappling on things that no longer serve you. A solid presence that brings you to your knees and say, “Thank you!” Thank you for showing up in my life.

I know there can be no replacements on who can take over the life I live. The experiences I share. The motivations I give. The love I offer. The work that I am giving my Soul into. No one carries the same message to share with to the world.

With every step I take I see you there warmly embracing the change.

You show me how to live life fully.

You teach me things I never knew.

Your insights inspire me to walk on my journey with you.

Unconditional love goes beyond all words,

even perceived limitations,

and is felt in the heart.

This is my own understanding…

…of unconditional love.

You shine a radiant unique light. Please know that your energy is cherished by all those you’ve touched. I am looking deep into your eyes and feel filled with gratitude. Thank you for being here! For being you. You’ve got this!

Feeling life flood my being.

I am alive.

Rejuvenated

By mother nature’s nourishing touch,

I am grateful

For all she provides.

To guide and support. That’s all we could do as they go through their own successes and wins..loss and defeats, and with how they are coping with the bigger issues the world has put on our shoulders. On our children’s shoulders.

In the darkness, I can feel my pounding heartbeat slow down. I can hear my intense thoughts give up. I can sense my tensed body loosen up. The filth dissolves. And for at least a little while, I can perceive a sense of normalcy that I haven’t felt in a very long time.

I always thought I would be doing the Camino to heal. I went there with cracks wide open. The Camino broke me pretty hard. And when I reached Santiago, to offer my broken pieces, they were grounded into smaller, grain of sand pieces. Spirit’s way of saying, “How about we start all over again?”

It’s exhausting. It’s tiring. It’s mind-numbing. I need to stay in the moment. I have to find the good. In the present. I need to live a life where I can be here and now. Not blaming the past. Not feeling anxious about what the future holds. Here and now…

Find me.

You recognize my presence but do you heed my being?

I feel the warmth of love and the chill of restraint.

You surround me with safety yet I feel the release of love in abandon.

It's not a matter of finding myself, I think. I'm not a dollar bill found in my pant's pocket during laundry. I really don't think I'm lost. My true Self is right here, somewhere underneath other people's opinions, beliefs, and influences. Sheltered under cultural conditioning but needed to be uncovered. So FINDING MYSELF is merely unearthing-- RE-DISCOVERING and REMEMBERING my true Self.

Docking with that tattered raft is my way of stopping and re-navigating. But yet I have to unearth that true traveler, unlearn quite a few beliefs, and remember who I truly was before the world imposed and grabbed me on both arms and feet, and dragged me underneath the surface where I am in now.