In the Hammock’s Womb
On Expectations and Moderation
After a couple of years of absence, I finally came back to our antigravity studio to do aerial yoga. The place still feels familiar. The silk’s smooth to the touch and reassuring. My body was ready to rip it.
And rip it, I did. I must have overdone my first session; I was in so much pain after a couple of days. I did what I knew to do-- stretch and rest. An Epsom salt bath and DO NOT OVERDO it again. I also had bruises on my ankles— and my ego. I definitely overdid it.
The past hospitalizations, back-to-back illnesses, and an autoimmune disorder have taken their toll. No, wait! Poor excuse. I got weaker. My muscle atrophied. Even if I did yoga on a daily basis in years, I must confess I have lived quite a sedentary lifestyle and have gotten used to it. Wake up, meditate, yoga flow, nap, creative writing, zoom calls, nap, power yoga, TV, sleep, repeat.
But this yoga teacher who can hold a headstand would not stand down. When I started with the silks, I felt free that I forgot to listen to my body. I was overstretched, with muscles overused. This competitive, perfectionist midlifer will not be outdone by millennials and generations thereafter. Not on my stomping ground.
Image by A.M. Evans ©
I was also hard on myself. Not only did I try working it to perfection on my first day coming back, but I was also kicking myself for not being able to perform one simple aerial style. I was not ready for that. I felt stupid.
The subsequent classes were a bit easier. I’m getting the hang of it, although I can still the pain in my core. I tried to take it easy on myself. But yet, I wouldn’t be outdone. And yet, there’s this another aerial movement that I can’t get myself to do. Didn’t even try. I didn’t trust myself. I didn’t think I have enough strength yet. But my own self-critique was in high gear throughout the rest of the session.
Yamas
There is a principle in the yogic path which involves the application of certain values that can have an effect on our yoga practice, self-awareness, and our lifestyle. The one that came to mind was one of the Yamas: Brahmacharya or Moderation.
Brahmacharya is the moderation of the things we tend to overindulge in, including expectations. To moderate is to remain in control and keep away from obsessions. This is what I need to keep in mind as I familiarize myself back with the silks. Everything in moderation.
Image by lenina11only via Shutterstock
Why am I hard on myself?
What am I trying to prove?
I have always been my worst critique. I try to push myself to the brink of exhaustion and at the expense of my own health.
Sometimes we attempt to do things that are healthy in unhealthy ways. We tend to be hard on ourselves. We overthink, overwork, over-compensate to the point of self-sabotage. To what extent do you have to put your body, mind, and soul through in order to be, to get, and to prove your worth.
During today’s practice, as we come into the final portion of our routine, we went into silence inside our hammocks. There in the semi-darkness, I went into a fetal position in the hammock’s womb. Tired, exhausted, in pain, with my self-esteem, wounded.
In the belly of the hammock is that Inner Child seeking validation and wanting to know her own worth. I felt the hammock womb’s warm embrace, giving me assurances that all is well, in spite of my fears and insecurities. No criticisms. No need to prove anything. No need to show my worth. Just be that child in the womb, being cared for—safe, and secure. Tears don’t come out freely from this tired spirit, but I took a deep breath and just let myself be lulled within that womb.
Image by YouraPechkin via Shutterstock
You are safe.
You are secure.
Rest now, My Child.
Nothing to prove.
Nothing to worry about.
Nowhere to go.
I am Divinely supported and protected.
And then comes Peace…
