"Comes the tipping point in life, when we decide to a ‘stop and search’ and our emotional police bring us to a standstill. This allows us to scan all the little details in the spectrum of our being; scour all fuzzy or cryptic elements that are floating around in our mind and restore the fault lines in the cluttered tale of our life." ("The World Was Somewhere Else") ~ Erik Pevernagie

I'm almost into my 4th-week post-resignation. The plan was to take care of my health first, relieve myself from all national and regional posts and obligations, and just focus on getting better.

Two days prior to my resignation, I hurt my low back. I got out of bed to get ready to go somewhere and boom, there goes the sacroiliac pain. Getting out of bed!!! Really?!?! My first reaction after the big "OUCH" was to look up in the heavens and cried, "ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!", because seriously (?), are you kidding me? I was ready to do the "focus on your health, don't worry about finding another job thing", and here comes another physical condition, because why?

And Yet Another

I started physical therapy (PT) that same week. The following week, I developed an organ infection so I had to go through another series of antibiotics and more tests to check on my kidneys and other organs. I will not leave you hanging but the MD doesn't think the results are significant enough. I'm getting better with physical therapy but the pain is still there. Add anxiety to that as we are set to fly to see our daughter this weekend.

Why? Why? Why?

A mentor told me that instead of asking "why", change that to "what". What is your body trying to tell you? What can I learn from this? More what's.

Another beautiful soul also told me that perhaps, with the aftershock from work, my body is starting to unmask everything that needs healing. More advice from friends. "You have to learn how to relax." And my least favorite: Just chill. I swear if I hear it from any of you, I'm gonna run after you with a fork! In reality, they all make sense but...

No, I Can't Relax!

I don't know how to. My body has gone through so much stress in the past 30+ years that my only way of compensating for it aside from exercise, yoga, and meditation is to tense up. I don't know how to just stay in bed and just let my body float.

Floating

Buoyancy:

1: the tendency of a body to float or to rise when submerged in a fluid testing an object's buoyancy

[In] chemistry : the power of a fluid to exert an upward force on a body placed in it the buoyancy of water; also: the upward force exerted

(Merriam-Webster.com)

I don't sink. When I'm in the water, I don't sink. So I always lose during "coins at the bottom of the pool" games. I have fewer chances of drowning...in still water.  However, when there are strong currents, I panic, even with life vests on. But I can float. If only I can keep afloat and let all my mind chatters float away.

I know I need to scour that cluttered mind.  But before that, I need to silent the mind, so the clutters that weigh me down can be filed in different markers: negative, positive, neutral, self-destructive, advantageous, creative, productive-- everything that I need to let go of to float away and things that I need to keep. "Stop and search". "Search" is easy.  "Stop" is daunting.

Current after current after current.  I'm trying to stay afloat. But they keep on coming anyway. I have to remain weightless. Keep my head above water. Do not let the currents dishearten my resolve. Easy to say, difficult to do, most especially if life keeps on throwing waves at you.

Currently, I'm still on the "stop and search" phase. Clutters accumulated throughout the years. All I ask is BUOYANCY (Please, Universe) to keep me afloat while I go through all these life indices.

And if you are reading this, all I ask is please be patient with me. I have the advantage of weightlessness but if the currents keep on coming, the distress of drowning from panic is just around the corner. Show me how to love myself in spite of.  Show me tricks without judgment on how to let go.

Because now, I can't do anything else but float...and trust-- holding on to the belief that this too shall pass and the knowledge that I am not floating alone in this water called LIFE. I know that I am guided by divine purpose, and as I allow myself to trust in that, I can remain weightless, until it's time to let go of the things that are weighing me down.

In time. I am not lost in time.  I am right where I am supposed to be. Weightless.

Be still, my Soul.

Then time has come to let loose and things can finally lose their gravity. ( "The Unbearable Heaviness of Being" ) ~ Erik Pevernagie

***This post was originally published by the author on 10/08/2019 at lifescapesinbloom.wordpress.com.