My Story Isn’t Over Yet

Trigger Warning/CW: Suicide, Suicidal ideation, Dark thoughts

The water was deep. I was struggling and fighting to keep my head over water. But my irrational thoughts kept on dragging me down.

What if…

This might not work…

I have nothing else…

Nobody cares…

I have nobody…

I am nobody…

I’m done…

But instead of screaming and kicking and crying, I just reduced myself into this tiny ball in bed. I texted the “buzz word” to my therapist. That’s all I could do. No prayer lines.  No hotlines. I felt I was drowning and there’s nothing I could do about it. There’s nothing I wanted to do about it.

When you’re drowning in water, first you try to struggle. Then you get tired of the struggle and your body just let go.  You let it sink.

Then my mind quieted down with just one sentence. “The world will keep on going without me.”

Still, my body won’t move.  I was lying in bed.  Just there. Motionless. There were a couple of pens on my bedside table.  And plenty of pills. Just a couple of feet within reach. But my body can’t move.

I just let myself sink into the dark end of the deep.  Motionless, I let those delirious thoughts engulf me. Lots of thoughts and I kept them going. I’m letting myself sink. Just feel all of it. No tears. Just my body in a ball. Motionless. Keep the thoughts going.

It felt like forever but it only took a few minutes. (Yes, sometimes it only takes a few minutes for you to decide.)

Then I felt my body float above water.

A couple of deep breaths.  And a couple more. And I just stayed there, now lying flat on my bed.

Then the phone rang.

In creative writing, they said, sometimes you have to “start in the middle”. That night, I wrote these right in the middle of my journal– the journal where I jot down thoughts and phrases for the book I intend to write. 

My story isn’t over yet.  I have to keep going.

My story isn't over yet.  I have to keep going.

"It is when you are going through the most difficult chapter of life that your true hero is revealed, and how beautiful it is when you finally realize-- you always had the strength to save yourself." ~ Dodinsky

This wasn’t my first.  I know this isn’t going to be my last. But today, I did not drown. But I always have a reminder that my story isn’t over yet.

***For more about Project Semicolon, please click on this link.

The National Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1-800-273-8255.

Or Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a Crisis Counselor on Crisis Text Line.

YOUR STORY ISN'T OVER. PLEASE KEEP ON REACHING OUT.