Coming Out From The World I’m Leaving Behind

***TRIGGER WARNING: Mental Health, Mental Illness, Suicide, Suicidal Ideations, Teenage Suicide

“To the World I’m Leaving Behind… …I feel alone. I’ve feigned my happiness. Life is killing me.” I wrote these words during 5th period Study Hall on a sheet of college-ruled notebook paper. To my schoolmates around me, I probably looked like I was studying for my next class or copying down notes. Who would’ve thought that was my goodbye letter to the world I was leaving behind.

High School was not easy for me. From Freshman year onward, I remember feeling lost — numb even.The only thing that allowed me to feel even the slightest bit of emotion was the feeling of a cold blade against my inner wrist. Before realizing how strong my addiction to self-harm was, I became the girl who wore hoodies in 90-degree weather. I became the girl who lost her laugh. The girl who went from a straight-A student to struggling with basic pre-calculus problems. The girl who eventually gave in to her craving of the ultimate form of self-harm: suicide. 

My first major suicide attempt occurred on April 9, 2018. I was 16 years old and a sophomore in high school. For months prior to this attempt, I had been on many different medications, all of which messed with my weight, sleep, anxiety, appetite, and concentration. So, the best way to end the pain: overdose. 

Waking up in the hospital, the realization that my attempt had failed was shocking, but I was so thankful to be alive. I left the hospital as a woman who was looking towards her second chance at life. However, when Senior year came around, my depression hit stronger than ever. I was more than ready to leave the world behind.

My second attempt happened on January 8, 2020. Another overdose. Another hospitalization. Another chance. For some unknown reason, I knew at that time, I was no longer looking for another chance at life. I WAS READY TO FIGHT FOR IT. I wasn't ready to leave the world behind: I was ready to fight for the world I hoped to find.

So today, I write a new letter: “To the World I Hope to Find…”

I look forward to the future. I look forward to the day where happiness no longer hides behind the mask of pain. I look forward to the day where mental health isn't stigmatized, but instead, openly talked about. I look forward to the day where people can be proud of themselves for living. I look forward to the day where everyone loves themselves regardless of flaws or imperfections. I hope I get to live long enough to find a world that looks like this. But for now, I’m simply happy to be alive. 

And, as always, I’m so proud of you.

***The National Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1-800-273-8255.

Or Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a Crisis Counselor on Crisis Text Line.Project Semicolon link: https://projectsemicolon.com