Choosing Presence Over Perfection

"Why can't you just drop your camera and enjoy the fireworks, Mom?" ~ My Son at 15/ 4th of July, 2012/Washington D.C.

We always say we give our kids the gift of memories. We travel a lot. Spring breaks were usually reserved for traveling outside the country. Summers were spent mostly in the mountains-- hiking, tubing, whitewater rafting, and jumping on falls. Thanksgiving or Christmas were reserved for skiing, snowboarding, snowmobiles, and everything cold and icy.

I am the family travel-planner.  I do the itinerary-- from cabin to tour dates; from enjoying the ski slopes to the train ride to Versailles. Everything has to be perfect.  There were some bumps and bruises, missed trains in Europe, and the constant bickering, but I make sure the experiences were memorable. 

Although we love the beauty and culture of traveling to other countries, our cabin in the Smokeys has always been the anticipated adventure every year. I remember when my son woke me up in the middle of the night to come out to the chilly evening and watch the skies in total darkness. First time I've seen the galaxy in its full glory. Wow! I could stay there forever.

...Until the kids outgrew the family tradition.

Two years ago, while spending Christmas in our cabin, we were in the jacuzzi overlooking the beautiful Smokey mountains when my son asked, "Can we not do this anymore?" and my daughter concurred. Oh, my heart!

So we spent the following year traveling with either just my husband and I or traveling outside the country with a friend. I took the chance of traveling once more as a family when my son was in Germany doing research. I turned 50 and all I want was FAMILY. There were only 3 of us traveling, but at least we got the chance to see my son on my birthday month.

This year was hectic with all the back and forth travels until we were sure our  daughter has settled in for college. We did not get to travel for pleasure as much as we wanted to.

And just like that, we became empty-nesters. Not a lot of family time when they come back during breaks.  Our daughter missed her high school friends so she spent most of the time with them when she’s back from college. Our son also had his own agenda.

Christmas planning was difficult with our older son currently working full time.  And yet this travel-agent-Mom managed to plan a family holiday around my son's work schedule. We loved being together again, if only for a little while. A cottage by the lake and the forest. Perfect!

On the afternoon of Christmas eve, we all planned to kayak the big lake. It was calm at first and then the currents got pretty strong.  I had no choice but to drop my smartphone and just focused on balancing my kayak. There, in the middle of it all, I realized, "Why can't you just be PRESENT? Look at the beauty around you. Enjoy this time with your family. Don't think about the next agenda. Stop taking pictures with your iPhone, Mom, and just enjoy the waters."

So as I float on my kayak, that's what I did.  Looked around and took a deep breath of nature.  Paddling with the family. Just BEING PRESENT.

Christmas eve night was for board games. There were cracks on my smartphone.  Not sure if it was the glass covering or the phone screen.  Either way, I didn't want to take chances so the phone use was limited. No more waiting for Mom to answer an iMessage.  I was just PLAYING.  I WAS THERE. I WAS PRESENT.

Thinking back I was never fully present through all those years of traveling.  From one adventure to another, I always think of the next agenda. What time do we wake up the following day to get to the museum? Where and what time do I set reservations so we can see the Eiffel tower in lights during dinner? More pictures. More family selfies. Oh, this is perfect, where's my phone?

I realized, not only did I miss our time together but I MISSED our times together. My mind wasn't always there. I wasn't always living the memories. I was taking pictures of the memories.

When I try to control everything, I enjoy nothing. Sometimes I just need to relax, breath at the moment and just let go.

As I write this on the patio overlooking the lake, awaiting Christmas dawn, I will be PRESENT to see the beautiful sunrise.  I will be PRESENT to see the family open the Christmas presents. I will be PRESENT for the Christmas meal.

My son already made plans for us today.  He'll be showing us the city where he now lives. No phones. JUST MY PRESENCE.

As they continue living their now-young-adult lives, I will be reliving all those memories I missed.

“If you must look back, do so forgivingly. If you must look forward, do so prayerfully. However, the wisest thing you can do is to be present in the present. Gratefully.” ~ Maya Angelou

***UPDATE: As I paddled on the lake this Christmas afternoon, I did not fail to notice:

The beautiful sound of chimes coming from one of the lake houses

My daughter's spirit as she fearlessly paddled alone to the other end of the lake

The sunlight hitting the waters

The sun on my face

The cool breeze on my face

The squawk of an osprey nesting on the tree

The sound of the water lapping with the strong currents

And then peace in the middle of nowhere...

~~~

Enjoy this day, my friends! BE in the moment!

***This post was originally published by the author on 12/25/2019 at lifescapesinbloom.wordpress.com .