I occasionally talk about my blanket fort on social media, which if you picture it in your mind,  should look like the one on this whimsical photo.  Aaaah, every girl’s dream of a blanket fort, where she can play and talk unceasingly with her friends. A place where she could hide out at night when the lights are off and only her, the blanket fort, with a flashlight on one hand and a book on the other. But in reality, when I talk about my blanket fort, it looks more like this…

After a long day’s work, or after a crowded party, this introvert hides under her blanket to reset, re-energize and recover. It’s still a fort considering it hides me from more unwanted energy.  It has become my security blanket as well. There, I talk to my friends on the phone or through social media without the hassle of going out or socializing.

It’s not that I’m anti-social. I just feel too overwhelmed with too much socializing, loud people, and loud music. I prefer easy conversations with like-minded friends…preferably while I’m resting under the blanket.

This place has become my comfort zone, where I can talk freely and think freely. This comfy blanket has also become my “office”, where I can do my work with fresh ideas in mind.

This blanket fort has been my place for healing, and meditation, and reflection. Until it’s not anymore…

Even though I am still healing physically and mentally, my comfort zone became my prison. My hiding place.  My excuse for not getting out there and get active. It has become a breeding ground for anxiety and depression.

“Have regular hours for work and play; make each day both useful and pleasant and prove that you understand the worth of time by employing it well. Then youth will be delightful, old age will bring few regrets, and life will become a beautiful success.” -~ Louisa May Alcott

I humbly dissent, Ms. Alcott, but if you put yourself in my shoes or my sleep socks, for that matter, you will see that (based on your many quotes)…

Work and play are both unpleasant for this introvert.

I have tons of regrets, and I am DONE with success.  No more extra letters after my name.  No more accolades. But NO, I refuse to consider myself a failure.

I am not afraid of storms but I don’t get a break to learn how to sail my ship.

I am strong enough to believe, but I’m just too human to have my doubts especially when punches keep on coming.

Yes, I am but human. And so I allow myself to feel vulnerable, or sensitive, or needy. I am learning to…

Cope with my struggles, although life keeps on holding me down.

Keep my boundaries by making my circle smaller so I can preserve my energy.  I can only give and receive this much and that is enough.

I am enough. I am enough. I am enough.

So, welcome to my blanket fort. Just know that I can be overbearing and unlikeable at times. That I can feel anxious and helpless and sad. That I might push people away from my blanket.  That I might pull more than enough of the blanket for myself.

But if you stay and know me and my struggles, and are willing to put up with me, then you are welcome to stay.  That’s when I know you are in my circle. That you are my tribe. Just bear with me.

Eventually, we can put up a beautiful fort again, with all the whimsical things that we love.

Eventually, we can laugh together again.

Eventually, we can talk about our failures and successes without regrets.

Eventually, I can take a break from all the storms and take back my sails again.

Eventually, I can cast my doubts and move forward outside my own personal prison.

I’ve been hard on myself.  I just need to take a moment and stay with my blanket. I know the storm will pass.

“Be still and know…”

Originally Posted November 11, 2019