On Self-care and Self-doubt

This past week, I told myself to be on Self-care mode. The past month has gotten so overwhelming.  I have always wanted time for Self-care but there were lots of deadlines that needed my attention. 

The week dedicated to Self-care has been nothing but restless. I kept on doubting whether I’m doing enough.  I feel non-productive. I feel like a burden. 

I could not get myself into just taking care of myself. I could not get my mind into the quiet space where I could take down the heavy loads I have been carrying. I could not put myself into a quiet sleep to let my body rest. I could not get my Soul to settle down knowing that everything will be okay. Restless. Edgy. Anxious. Unsettled.

BODY

Exhausted. I kept my daily exercise habit.  Mostly yoga. But I find myself pushing myself, not listening to what my body is telling me. I am not a fan of “No pain, no gain”, but that is exactly what I have been doing. What is it that I’m trying to prove?

MIND

Messy. Jumbled. Scattered. There were so many thoughts in my mind, but I could not even put pen to paper. More so, to journal. There’s just too much that I can’t shake off.  I tried putting them into different tags, but more thoughts prevail. Why can’t I get myself together?

SOUL

Tired. I find meditating so difficult and silencing my mind was tasking. I feel lost in this abyss where even if I know I could find my way out, I don’t seem to care to. The darkness is starting to feel comfortable. Why can’t I reach out for the light?

HEART

Numb. Walls closing in. Boundaries up. As I feel my world closing in on me, I am left with myself hiding from everything. Trying to dig inside myself. Why can’t I dive deep? 

I can’t breathe through this. I don’t even know where I am going with this. I’m not even trying.  I’m stalling. Keeping me from feeling anything and thinking at this very moment. I don’t know which direction to move. I’m just lost.

Lost.

Restless.

Scattered.

Detached.

This is far from self-care. Why do I keep on second-guessing? Why do I keep on doubting? I am here sitting in bed, staring at this screen, waiting for some type of inspiration. Waiting for the motivation to kick in. Just waiting…

Waiting…

With the sliding door open, I could hear the rustle of the leaves of our tree as the chimes sing along, beckoning me to come out. As I closed my eyes, the sun’s shining on my face, I sit right next to our almost 20-year-old oak tree. The call of the chimes, I could not resist. 

 A hum…

A rhythm…

Then a song…

Beating with my heartbeat. Then down on my knees, I felt it coming.

 “If life gets too hard to stand, kneel” ~ Gordon B. Hinckley

THEN CAME THE BREAKDOWN. Feeling extremely vulnerable, I let go. Uncomfortable emotions that I have been resisting came pouring out. The should-haves, would-haves, could-haves started to pass through my mind as I let them punch out of my thoughts. The yearning of a soul in desperation came out as my heart wails its deepest sorrows. At least that’s what I called it—to what turned into a beautiful song. A lullaby to keep me company in my brokenness.

I am learning. I am going through yet another unbearable breakthrough, I know. But I’m giving myself time. I’m giving myself the grace…

Of rest.

Of solitude.

Of self-care.

Self-love.

Self-compassion.

Sometimes we find our greatest joy in a moment of full surrender. Sometimes we find our greatest strength when we feel our weakest. Sometimes we find our greatest love for ourselves when we feel most broken.  

I’m not stalling. I’m learning to love myself, unapologetically. I’m learning to give myself the space for the good that is yet to come. I just have to let it. 

Please bear with me. I will come out on the other end—whole and stronger.

“You are pulled from the wreckage

Of your silent reverie

You're in the arms of the angel

May you find some comfort here. ”

~ Sarah McLachlan/Angel

Peace…