Learning Where To Draw the Line

"It [is] MY LIFE-- like all lives, mysterious and irrevocable and sacred.  So very close, so very present, so very belonging to me." ~ Cheryl Strayed (Wild)

This concept has been brewing in my head for months now,  I think it’s time to organize my thoughts and put my thoughts into words.

Staying in the hospital, being poked and prodded on, in your halfway-tied hospital gown instantaneously made me think about “when will this ever end?”. But the longer I stayed, with the daily vital sign checks, blood draws, and exams, there comes a time that I felt like saying “Stop! No More! I’ve had enough!”.

On Personal Boundaries

“You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop, and what you reinforce.” ~ Tony Gaskins

I know I’ve written a lot about me on my previous blogs. But those are the ones I choose to disclose.  There are far more personal things that only a few I choose to share with.

This Myers-Briggs INFJ could write a separate blog on setting personal boundaries, but there are certain aspects of my life that I need to put a stop on. Like NOW. The biggest one is SHAMING. So, here are just a few on my list of what I would need to stop people from shaming:

• My choices

• My appearance

• My physique

• My health (physical and mental)

• My lifestyle

• My actions and reactions

Essentially, on everything that has to do with how I live my life.

Family Boundaries

My family members also have set boundaries on each other.  We know what we allow or not tolerate on how we relate to each other.   It takes bouts of shouting sometimes , but we know and respect each other’s boundaries, physically, mentally, and emotionally.  This is where I usually come short with.  I know my children are adults now but I still tend to muscle my way in when it comes to their life choices. I have learned a lot from my young adults. When to step in and counsel, or when to hold back and let them learn. My spouse and I also have boundaries.  We know when to “push” or when to leave the other at peace. 

 My Family’s Boundaries

I know, the image looks intimidating. My family knows how to protect our boundaries from outside influences. We are vigilant on safeguarding our family members’ boundaries. It’s not just a “you hurt my family, I kick your behind (and more)” thing. We also draw a line on people who intrude in our lives, and that includes our relatives and family friends when they go beyond our limits.

Personal Relationships

This is where the rubber hits the road, guys.  This is a big thing for me. Something that I am still learning for myself and about myself.

This year, with all the empty-nesting, health problems and loss of dear ones, I find myself almost devoid of energy to give away.  I also find myself guarded with how much energy I receive and put up with. The demands of having to triage what is coming and going are so tiresome and sometimes, I often question myself why do I have to. But here are my “guidelines” on relationship boundaries:

• If you are my friend, YOU ARE MY FRIEND

• Know that I can easily get overwhelmed and I may push you away

• There are only so much I can share to certain people

• There are people whom I resonate with and there are those who don’t

• I have my own small circle– a very small circle just so I can conserve my energy as I heal

• Do not take it personally if you are not in my “tribe”, we can still get together and hang out

• I won’t take it personally if I am not in your “tribe”

• Tribe or no tribe, if you are my friend, I got your back

• I have my “person” and that person, I give it all I have when we connect

• If I reach out to you and you do not give the same response that Is normally expected, I do respect that, but know that it’s only human for me to feel hurt

• I’m easy to forgive and easy to ask for forgiveness. I don’t give up on people easily. However, this is my truth…

Stop! No More! I’ve Had Enough!

“…I always stay too long trying to repair what others [or you or I] may have broken, hoping things might improve in the end…I don’t give up on people with an ease…But once I do, once I have made that first step away from you, you can be damn sure, I have exhausted all the possibilities of making things better and in this battle between choosing ‘us’ or what is left of ‘me’, I choose myself” ~ Veronika Jensen

Sometimes, there’s only so much you can handle that you begin drawing lines from other people, close friends included. Saying “NO” and “I have given enough” is sometimes imperative in keeping yourself sane. I believe that’s what a healthy boundary is. You protect yourself and your loved ones from further damage.

So I circle back to what I wrote in the beginning, I am still learning about and my own boundaries.  I’m also learning about other people’s boundaries. Regardless, I choose to love myself. Because I’m still healing.  Because, maybe, you’re also healing.

All of us are learning from our life experiences.  All the time. As for myself, I am just giving you a bit of what I allow, what I can reinforce, and what I will fight for.

If you are reading this, know that it’s okay to set boundaries.  In fact, it can be essential for your health and healing.  It’s also okay if your friends set their boundaries.  But they should be healthy boundaries– one that is not detrimental to others’ or your own or their well-being. Otherwise, say “No.  I have given enough. I am drawing the line.”

"NO is a complete sentence" ~ Anne Lamott

Peace…

Originally Posted November 25, 2019