Life After That Sucker Punch

***TRIGGER WARNING: Mental health; Mental illness; Suicide; Suicidal Ideation

Life after that major sucker punch from last year has not been easy.  Blow upon blow, I was able to dodge or take the blows of the past months with very minimal damage. I started seeing the future in front of me. I started hoping and envisioning the life ahead of me.

Apparently. Life has other plans. This past couple of months have been exceptionally trying. This time it wasn’t just punches thrown at me. I felt Life literally carried me atop and smashed my already disjointed body on the ground. Followed by a dizzying bang in the head and then I was pinned on the ground.

As I write this, my battered body is feeling numb. My brain is still foggy.  My heart is bleeding. But I stayed there, pinned on the floor, unable to move. My eyes are blurry. I cannot see ahead. I was totally broken. All I have to do is give the sign of “surrender”. That I give up. I feel defeated. This is it. I can end this here.

Silence. I needed silence. I closed my eyes and just listened to the empty silence. In my mind, just flashes of where I am going. 

I have nothing to give. I have no more fight left in me. Even if I open my eyes, I could not see what is ahead of me. Where do I go from here? Is it worth standing back up and picking up the broken pieces of me?

Then I took a deep breath.  And then another.  And yet another.  I’m still alive.  What do I do next? 

One word. LIVE.

The National Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1-800-273-8255.

Or Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a Crisis Counselor on Crisis Text Line.