“Gnōthi Seauton” (Know Thyself)

—inscribed at the Temple of Delphi, Greece

I have been suffering long enough. One health issue after another.

This week I talked to my friend over the phone in the middle of the night. “I am so tired.”

I also prayed and talked to a prayer chaplain. I cried some tears. She said to let it all out the best I can. It’s difficult for me to cry. No matter how I try, I cannot do a full screaming and kicking ugly cry. Even so, she told me to let it all out.

Very early this morning, I was awakened by my husband’s staticky radio alarm which he should have turned off last night so we can sleep in. During that time I was having this vivid dream, now half-baked because of that stupid alarm.

I was a bit dizzy, ears still ringing and a headache to boot. I cannot go back to sleep, so I was left ruminating on my half-baked dream. My late father was in that dream. Then everything came pouring in. Childhood experiences mostly, which left me with a mix of emotions that I thought I have already forgiven others and myself for. I recalled one particular situation in my childhood.

A time during my pre-teens when in the heat of a father-daughter fight, I mentioned the damning words: “I wish you were dead.” Unbeknownst to me that my father was fighting an illness. In our culture, the “children” were not told what’s really going on. Even now, things going on amongst my family and relatives are still on a “need to know” basis. Not knowing that he was dying, I inadvertently hurt him. In my defense, I was just a child who knew nothing.

“I wish you were dead.” Those words were thrown back at me too many times. The night when my father was sent to the hospital for the last time, he reminded me of those words. The same words were spat at me during my father’s wake. The same words that my family threw at me when we fight. “Go ahead. Wish me dead. YOU HAVE THAT POWER, you remember?”

That child survived it all. I have worked so hard on this. Mentally and psychologically. And as everything came back to me this morning, I felt no remorse. No more turning back. No more guilt. No more judgment. Only the feeling of forgiveness, self- compassion, and self-love that my adult self would have given that child 40 years ago.

You have the power. Yes I do. This adult has all the power to defend that child and that’s what she did. Given so much self-compassion, understanding, and self-love, that child is free from all that pain.

You have the power. I am learning to love myself and accept whatever situation I’m in enough to help me heal.

Know thyself. A mentor said it over and over again a week ago. I am learning more about the adult I am becoming. I am learning what I am capable of. I have the power. To change my negative thoughts into who I really am.

“I AM…two of the most powerful words, for what you put after them shapes your reality.” ~ Bevan Lee

I am enough.

I am more than just a mom, a therapist, a professor, and a writer.

I am more than my illnesses.

I am more than my weaknesses– mind, body, and soul.

I am a child of the Universe. And as such, I am entitled to all the good it has to offer.

I am powerful. I am learning to use that power to heal every situation in my life.

I am learning self-compassion and self-love.

I know I have a purpose and nothing, not even my illnesses can keep me from attaining that purpose.

I want a simple life but I am also ingenious enough to dream big within that modest lifestyle that I yearn for.

I am audacious enough to claim what is mine. I am claiming it NOW.

“When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a [wo]man, I put away childish things.“ ~ 1 Corinthians 13- King James Bible

This time around, I am learning to become the adult that I need as an adult.

I am the author of my story and I alone can make edits and write a happy ending.

No more self-pity.

No more excuses.

No more negative talks.

You have the power. Yes, I do.  It is in knowing myself that I can fight back and love myself in the process. As an adult.

This time, I am fighting fire with fire.

Originally Posted January 26, 2020