***TRIGGER WARNING: Mental health; Mental illness; Suicide; Suicidal Ideations

It came in an instant. I was doing my first yoga flow for the day when my thoughts started racing. I see the different scenarios on how things could go wrong. I was losing my grip on how I can control things. I felt like my back was up against the wall and there’s nothing I could do for what I perceived was coming. By midday, I was in total meltdown. Come afternoon, I was spiraling down pretty fast. 

I was having panic attacks when I reached on my anxiety meds. I looked at them and my then irrational mind thought that if I could only take enough, I could sleep a long sleep and wake up when this perceived upcoming storm is over. I could end this now. 

Then a “buzz word” to my therapist. A quick response to gently take me back to reality. I am blessed to have her there to hang on to whatever smidge of life I can get a grip of. She stayed until all is over. Then I was back to my old self. Another yoga flow but now, my outlook was better. 

Looking back, it’s amazing how things can go from being at peace, to an emotional breakdown, to a totally irrational ideation. This wasn’t my first. I know this won’t be my last. 

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I remember the time when I did TaeKwonDo for the first time. Our master taught us 4 simple lessons (to keep us safe and out of trouble):

1. ALWAYS SMILE. It takes people’s defenses down.

2. STAY AWAY FROM BAD PLACES AND BAD PEOPLE. Pretty self-explanatory.

3. If you’re in a bad situation, WALK AWAY, TALK AWAY, RUN AWAY. It doesn’t make you a coward. It’s quite practical and can instantly save your life.

4. If your back is against the wall and have nowhere else to go, USE YOUR STRONGEST POINT against them. And that’s where our TaeKwonDo training comes in handy.

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This time my back was against the wall. Completely stranded. Just waiting for the inevitable. What’s my strongest point? My will-power, maybe? The thought that I’ve been in this situation many times before and yet I prevailed? My love...my loves...my family. The fierceness of how my children battle life. The loving care my husband brings every time I’m having my breakdowns. 

Love…

Just focus on that love.,, It’s your strongest point. 

Then in an instant the walls behind me came crumbling down. The perceived threats slowly dissipated. Deep breaths. Another one. Thoughts focused on love. Thoughts focused on my family. And I felt safe from myself again. 

There are things I cannot control. Those are the times when irrational thoughts come rushing in and I spiral down pretty fast. Lesson #.3: Walk away, talk away, run away. Do not entertain your thoughts. Talk it through with positive things. Beautiful things. Things that you love. People that you love. Then focus on that. 

Focus on your strength. You have it in you. You have what it takes. You’ll be surprised how it could break barriers and outplay the fears that put you up against the wall to begin with. 

Lesson #.5. My lesson. The lesson that I learned through the years. REACH OUT. Keep on reaching out. There’s always help. Divine help. Divine guidance. Divine love. 

If you are reading this and are going through the same thing, please know that you are not alone. Keep on reaching out. Focus on your strength. Focus on your love. Know that there will always be another hand reaching out to pull you out from whatever you are stuck on. And remember how blessed you are to be alive.

As always, I am here to listen. My hand reaching out. We can fight this. Together. 

***The National Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1-800-273-8255.

Or Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a Crisis Counselor on Crisis Text Line.