My Path Out of Darkness

I don't always feel this way. This void... shallow...hollow feeling.  I don't quite feel a sense of new beginnings.  The past year has left me all battered.  I still can't shake off the pain, the fear, the messy, foggy frame of mind.

I know change is just around the corner. Waiting for my "YES!"

"Let go."

"Release."

"Keep going."

"Trust."

""Have faith.

"Look for the light."

STOP!!!

STOP. No, I'm not ready! Please, let me stay in this darkness for a little while.  I have gotten used to it, that it is where I find my comfort. Crouching in the dark, with all the filth the past year has thrown at me.

In the darkness, I can feel my pounding heartbeat slow down. I can hear my intense thoughts give up. I can sense my tensed body loosen up. The filth dissolves.  And for at least a little while, I can perceive a sense of normalcy that I haven't felt in a very long time.

Normalcy. Something I only feel for short durations. Like light-- I cannot take in full intensity lest this fragile frame breaks.

Slowly.

I need to get used to it. Shine the light gradually.

Gently. Show me how.

To let go and release what no longer serves me.

To keep on going no matter how meager the vitality I possess.

A glow is all I need for now to have faith and trust my path towards the light.

In time, I can embrace the light to its fullness.

In time...

“Look at how a single candle can both defy and define the darkness.” ~ Anne Frank